Readiness

I am not ready.

There. I've said it. After a short break from being poisoned (this is what chemo truly is), finally getting enough energy back to function throughout the day, and starting to feel like myself (although I don't look like myself), I have an appointment to meet with radiation oncology.

I am not ready.

Physically, my body will be taking nineteen hits of radiation.

Nineteen zaps.

Nineteen fry me from the inside - on the side of my heart.

Nineteen.

This is frightening - and I imagine it like being baked in a microwave oven.

Mentally, I am not ready at all.

And half of this is a mental hurdle.

So, I work out to feel strong. To look strong. To feel like myself. To gain the fitness back that I lost - the heart fitness - zapped from chemo.

The muscle fitness, atrophied from the inability to sustain working out for long periods of time. Because looks can be deceiving.

#radiation #zapped #huntsmancancercenter #huntsmancancerinstitute #breastcancer #chemobrain #chemotherapy #herceptin #anguish