Rebuilding Me

Surviving cancer treatment and the rebuild

I've been to the battle field, where family and friends stood by me, encouraging me to fight, to be strong. And willingly, as it was the choice that offered survival, I was compelled to be propelled forward to fight.

And I've been cut, sliced.

Stitched inside and out.

I've been chemically poisoned for twelve straight weeks with a toxin so strong, that it took every hair on my body, negatively effected my ability to cognate, took my energy and strength, diminished my immune system, and caused fatigue. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the person I had become.

And then I rebuilt me. I started slowly, under the supervision of medical professionals: A fitness doctor who created a program to rebuild; trainers, who helped me follow that program; a nutritionist, who examined what I eat; and an acupuncture doctor who helped me feel my fingers again.

Breaking goals in what was deemed "normal", and to be expected recovery , and exceeded those expectations.

I became stronger, fast, encouraged by the weekly observable changes.

Challenged by numbers on a treadmill - can I do just a little better than yesterday?

And by the pounds I could lift and push - can I add ten more to that lat pull?

Rebuilding me - this I could control.

And then, I was radiated.

Toasted and roasted, from the inside out.

Blistered, peeling and painful skin.

Tightening skin, as the radiated area seems to shrink.

And another round of fatigue that built every single day until it reached a crescendo.

A fatigue greater than that of chemo, due to the daily doses. A fatigue that causes me to flop and drop daily, for hours.

So exhausted, that I have called my son via phone, to bring me water, as I was too tired to get up out of bed and get it myself. It offered a rapid decline of energy. The most I was able to do was the PT moves, at a decreased weight. And jog, because I could no longer run.

And sleep, because that is how to heal.

I have walked three steps forward, and two steps back.

And here, today, on the first day of spring, I feel as if I've been granted a new hope to rebuild, again.

Yet like in chemo, I must use my time and energy wisely, as my energy peaks in the morning, and declines as the day goes on.

Today, I will venture on to the gym, and do my PT exercises, on my own.

Today will be my starting point, with numbers to document progress.

I plan on breaking fitness barriers of what is "expected".

I plan on rebuilding me, physically, again.

I challenge you, as well, to rebuild you.

My radiation oncologist's "parting eight" words last Tuesday:

Don't gain weight. Eat healthy.

Eat green.

Move.

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